My (F/31) boyfriend (m/42) is fit AF. He does a sit up and magically has abs. He can eat and drink whatever he wants, and he does. He’s always snacking on chips, chocolate, candy, wine, pizza… the man’s metabolism is ridiculous.
I, however, do not have such a luxury. After several months of dating, I realized I got comfy with his eating habits and put on weight. Unhappy with the results of said habits I decided to make some changes. I am doing IF (16:8) and focusing on getting my calories from protein and fat. I’m not explicitly keto, but I find my body responds positively when I limit starches and sugars. I have done IF before and lost 60lbs.
Well it’s been a couple weeks and my BF is so grumpy he doesn’t have a junk food friend anymore. Plus he says it’s weird for him to have a drink with dinner alone now. He gets frustrated when I ditch the pasta in favour of more veggies, and just seems to totally resent my dietary choices now.
I’ve asked him why this is and he says he think my body is perfect and I shouldn’t torture myself. I want to be more comfortable in my skin and feel healthier. Isn’t what I want for my body important?
Anywho, that’s my rant. I’m frustrated. So is he. Hooray!
Edit: my BF is a stand up guy in every other aspect of our relationship. This is our only argument thus far.
My husband is very fit like your boyfriend whereas I struggle with my weight and to stay in shape. And you know what? He supports my efforts and doesn’t try to derail them.
Unfortunately that is how it works in a relationship. Partners have to support or at minimum not bitch about the person with the more restrictive diet or exercise rather than the other way around in order for it to work. They don’t necessarily have to give it up too but they certainly should be supportive of your efforts! Too bad if he don’t have someone else to snack on junk food with. He needs to be supportive of what you’re trying to do, regardless of whether he agrees with it or not. This statement that he thinks your body is perfect sounds to me like an excuse he wants you to accept so he doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. Personally, this sounds very selfish of him. Losing weight, fasting, dietary changes and giving up things like junk food and alcohol are hard enough without someone else giving you grief about it.
Set the boundary and stick to it. “I’m making my health a priority, and I don’t enjoy getting pushback from you about it being inconvenient. It feels very disrespectful. My diet isn’t up for debate, and if you find it annoying or frustrating, you’re just going to have to find someone else to vent to.”
That’s going to come around and bite him in the ass… lol. Maybe in more than one way. Has he had his cholesterol checked lately?
You need to stay firm with him. Don’t let him guilt you into eating shit you don’t need. You’re doing the right thing. Good job!
It is not your responsibility to make him happy. It’s his to make himself happy.
But I find people respond best to analogies. Try to find something he loves doing on his own, and ask him how he’d feel if you were a whiny little bitch about it?
I’m having similar but opposite issues lol
Basically my boyfriend is a personal trainer + is making MY fitness a personal thing for him. He keeps giving unsolicited advice and getting grumpy if I don’t take it. I’ve expressed to him that it’s not that I think he’s giving bad advice… quite the opposite, I feel grateful to have immediate access to such a wealth of knowledge. It’s just that I’m not ready to implement ALL of his recommendations right away.
I’ve lost 18 pounds in 8 weeks. So clearly, what I am doing is working (for now). And once I solidify these habits so that they are 100% second nature, I can make additional changes. Slowly but surely he’s grown more supportive and respecting boundaries.
But yeah, I guess part of being in a relationship means acknowledging that changes you make for yourself also impact daily life for our partners… but at the same time, those are OUR changes to make.
Communication and gentle (but firm) boundary setting are key :)
Annoying, I’m sorry!! I do sometimes feel like in my friendships or relationship there are obstacles to surmount around my making healthy choices. Sadly a lot of socializing revolves around food!
FWIW - alternate social patterns, like maybe making a fun mocktail with a seltzer and some cranberry juice, to “drink” with him, veggie noodles to sub for pasta ones so you can still share the sauce - maybe part of it is that he is just making a bid for those shared experiences and doesn’t want to lose that.
The sugary snacks have always been a push-pull with me and the husb! Finally settled on him having some that I don’t like that he can keep around (cookies I don’t like, Chinese food which I don’t rlly like), but for my super tempting treats, he respects keeping them out. Good luck with the journey, I know the growing pains well!
>He gets frustrated when I ditch the pasta in favour of more veggies
Why does he give the smallest shit about what *you* put on your plate.
There’s something else going on here. Probably a sex thing.
Your boyfriend’s feelings about what you eat are not your problem. He’s grumpy that he can still drink while you choose not to? That you haven’t tried to change his habits in any way while you quietly shift your own? He’s frustrated that there’s more pasta for him when you choose veggies?
Ask him if he hears how he sounds, because that’s not a man, that’s an infant.
What’s funny is this has always been the opposite in my family, me & the daughters ate what we want, I cook meals for the family and somehow the man gets fat we don’t.
Bodies are different! You have to find a balance that keeps you at the size you want, and gives you a lifestyle you enjoy.
I’m fasting for health not weight loss but find it’s less disruptive to do one or two fasting days (tell family to fend for themselves meal-wise) and be loosely goosey the other days.
Could you do a fasting day or two to get more relaxed weekends? Once you get into the groove I bet he’ll come around.
Man that sucks, I’m sorry you’re going through that!
Hope you can find a resolution. Maybe it’s just a matter of talking about it and how it’s not just about how you look but how you feel and what your health is like. You deserve to feel good and be healthy too——and that doesn’t come for free!
Honestly, it feels power dynamic driven and feels like he is trying to gain the control over the situation/over you. Perhaps, to him it feels like you’re getting too independent, and braking out of the relationship, perhaps he’s insecure and feels like you trying to get fit endangers the relationship, perhaps you doing right makes him uncomfortable about his choices.
Either way, you need to figure out his motivation, try to reassure him, yet keep your boundaries. If he’ll continue being insecure and will continue to try to brake you into a state that’s beneficial to him only, that’s not gonna work longterm
See for me it’s the opposite. I m49 am married to a f51.
In the last 9 months I have lost 75lbs with IF and low sugar/lo carb dieting. I gave up smoking and only drink probably once a month. I also did couch to 5k and now run 5k 5 days a week.
My wife smokes and drinks does not exercise and is unhappy with herself I love her and have never told her to change anything about herself as I believe telling people just does not work it has to be their own choice.
The problem is, I sometimes feel like she would prefer me to go back to the way I was so that she would feel better about her choices.
I am never going back, I feel better than I have in years, but the lack of support is hard sometimes.
It’s not overt, but it’s there. Stay strong.
Suddenly changing your diet, when your family does not want to do the same, is very divisive and difficult.
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In a relationship, that’s not blood, it often causes major strife and ends the relationship.
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It’s typically because the party unwilling to change likes to have you alongside them doing the same things they do. Look at social media for example. People push some of the worst, immoral behaviors as if they are acceptable and normal because that way, they can be less noticeable for their terrible choices if EVERYBODY is making those same poor choices.
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A lot of the time, in a lover relationship, the unhealthy eating partner prefers to keep you that way so that you don’t make them feel bad. Or worse, you don’t get in better shape and attract the attention of another person. It’s easier to control a fat, unhealthy person than a normal, healthy person.
I wonder if he’s willing try try following the same plan for a week. I can empathize with his desire for you to not be torturing yourself. Ask him if he will try for a week just to see that it’s not, in fact, torture. Maybe?
I can see where he thinks you’re doing it to look good, and he thinks you look good already, and it’s very human for a person in his situation to think that his opinion is the one that should matter most. I’m not saying that’s right, but that it’s human. I do this myself, in the other direction–I think “if my wife is ok with my body then it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, she’s the only one that really has a valid opinion on it. Even including me, to some extent.” Again–I didn’t say it was healthy, just that it is how people think. It might feel like a threat.
Anything that changes the relationship can feel like a threat. Are you about to start trying to make him do stuff? Even if you say you aren’t, are you silently judging him for not eating healthier? Also–is he feeling guilty that he’s not eating healthier when he knows he really ought to, and he would rather not have an example of someone actually doing it so near.
Anyway, I’m not necessarily suggesting that you say any of this to him, but just understanding what could possibly going on can help. Like, it’s not just that he’s a jerk, but he really likes you and he worries that this will make you less close. Or it’s not just jerkiness it’s insecurity or fear of some other kind. It’s easier to be patient with someone that’s dealing with their own feelings of inadequacy than it is to be patient with someone that’s just being a jerk.
Ymmv, shrug, respectfully yours.