In the last few years, I have really struggled to maintain a strict discipline in doing keto with IF (or OMAD which just came naturally after some time).
*Warning Long Post*
In 2019, I was working hard in the gym lifting weights, doing clean and fairly strict keto (1:75:24 C:F:P with 25g carb being my personal limit).
I managed to bring my weight down from 138kg to 124kg. Then I went on holiday with an ex. It was a great trip but it came at the cost of many, many treats, desserts and rich sugary and carb-heavy foods.
At the end of it, I was disappointed in myself for letting the keto lifestyle down and putting on a lot of weight. I tried to just accept it as a thing that happens and that I had planned beforehand. I planned for me to just get back on with keto when I returned and work it off with the handy tool of keto/IF.
The problem was that sugar has a terrible side effect of the body desiring it and tricking the brain into making excuses… have a little here and there because it won’t count and then, well, I had some before so what’s a bit more? Until the healthy lifestyle goes out the window and you fall down the rabbit hole.
The major issue with me is that I have had low self-esteem for most of my formative years and into adulthood and just looking at myself made me hate what I am and I wished that I was dead. I started drinking a bit at the end of 2019, 2 months after the holiday. It felt like I was enjoying life and that I could just forget for a moment, all the self-hatred that persisted underneath my every waking day.
This went on for a few months, it’s the end of the week and it is normal to have a few drinks to wind down and relax with some movies or anime.
Months passed and my self-hatred grew. I broke my ankle in the summer ‘19 causing me to fail a module exam and have to resit the year. I tried to get back on keto and IF. But alcohol had a way to back these sit on the backbench. I would eat less on some days but then binge on others. I would retreat from social events not liking what I looked like. Clothes not fitting anymore. The stress of med school plus the ever reoccurring depression and the low self-esteem sent me into a spiral. Stuck at home resting my ankle, I drank more and more often. I sometimes ate healthily and then other times I would binge until it physically hurt. Life, emotions… enjoyment all began to dull and cease.
I know now that the reason for this was to punish myself further for letting this happen, but also I think I wanted to feel something rather nothing.
I started to feel a bit better by March 2020 and my ankle was a bit better. I began making plans to leave university and study at home with distance learning to better take care of myself with family… that’s when COVID-19 caused the world to shut down and the flights were stopped, borders closed and I was trapped. This vicious cycle continued most of the year. I hated myself the most at this point, I could not feel happy, I was all alone and I wanted to just sleep and not wake up again.
By the summer of 2021, I had been suffering alone in silence. I was not able to stay awake more than 6 hours at a time, I would force myself to attend the video lectures and even there I was not mentally fully there. I could not study at all in my own time and when the exams came up I had done no work. At this point, I would wake to sleep and hate myself 24h of a day. I barely left my bed and I felt nothing. I was a shell of my normal self. I quit med school and returned home.
In the past 3 months, I have been working on myself. I have slowly got back to waking up at a normal time. I plan to do things in my day, I am actively looking for a job, I am trying to learn new skills and significantly reduced drinking to almost zero.
tl;dr
And finally… to what I am here to post about. I am finally back to doing clean keto (6 days or so) with food tracking (3days) and somewhat frequent gym (1 month around 2-4 times a week lifting weights. I am slowly shifting my eating patterns to 2 meals a day in an IF window of (16:8).
I want to be held accountable.
I want people to talk to me and express their passion for this lifestyle and share with me their achievements and for them to ask about mine too. I want to walk this path with friends and not be alone anymore.
[29/ M/ 6’2”]
[(lbs) GW:308 SW:360 (Aug ‘21) CW:332 (Feb ‘22) LW:28]
[IBS-D] [OMAD] [Ketogenic Diet] [KCKO]
i just want to say i’m so sorry you’ve struggled so much with depression and feelings of unworthiness…i am here to say you are worthy and amazing! great to hear you are working on yourself and recommitting to a healthy lifestyle. i think family support will be really helpful :) i know i was doing super well with keto and extended fasts and then i went on my bachelorette party and that started a downward spiral of eating and drinking way too much (past the party). i’m trying to forgive myself for regaining a lot of the weight i had lost and be gentle on myself. beating myself up doesnt help or do anything positive. i like to give myself positive affirmations and maybe this is something you can try! “i am a good person deserving of love, forgiveness, and joy even if i could have eaten healthier yesterday and exercised more. tomorrow is a new day, and i commit to loving myself and doing better” … sending you support & good thoughts!