Finally, I am back

In the last few years, I have really struggled to maintain a strict discipline in doing keto with IF (or OMAD which just came naturally after some time).

*Warning Long Post*

In 2019, I was working hard in the gym lifting weights, doing clean and fairly strict keto (1:75:24 C:F:P with 25g carb being my personal limit).

I managed to bring my weight down from 138kg to 124kg. Then I went on holiday with an ex. It was a great trip but it came at the cost of many, many treats, desserts and rich sugary and carb-heavy foods.

At the end of it, I was disappointed in myself for letting the keto lifestyle down and putting on a lot of weight. I tried to just accept it as a thing that happens and that I had planned beforehand. I planned for me to just get back on with keto when I returned and work it off with the handy tool of keto/IF.

The problem was that sugar has a terrible side effect of the body desiring it and tricking the brain into making excuses… have a little here and there because it won’t count and then, well, I had some before so what’s a bit more? Until the healthy lifestyle goes out the window and you fall down the rabbit hole.

The major issue with me is that I have had low self-esteem for most of my formative years and into adulthood and just looking at myself made me hate what I am and I wished that I was dead. I started drinking a bit at the end of 2019, 2 months after the holiday. It felt like I was enjoying life and that I could just forget for a moment, all the self-hatred that persisted underneath my every waking day.

This went on for a few months, it’s the end of the week and it is normal to have a few drinks to wind down and relax with some movies or anime.

Months passed and my self-hatred grew. I broke my ankle in the summer ‘19 causing me to fail a module exam and have to resit the year. I tried to get back on keto and IF. But alcohol had a way to back these sit on the backbench. I would eat less on some days but then binge on others. I would retreat from social events not liking what I looked like. Clothes not fitting anymore. The stress of med school plus the ever reoccurring depression and the low self-esteem sent me into a spiral. Stuck at home resting my ankle, I drank more and more often. I sometimes ate healthily and then other times I would binge until it physically hurt. Life, emotions… enjoyment all began to dull and cease.

I know now that the reason for this was to punish myself further for letting this happen, but also I think I wanted to feel something rather nothing.

I started to feel a bit better by March 2020 and my ankle was a bit better. I began making plans to leave university and study at home with distance learning to better take care of myself with family… that’s when COVID-19 caused the world to shut down and the flights were stopped, borders closed and I was trapped. This vicious cycle continued most of the year. I hated myself the most at this point, I could not feel happy, I was all alone and I wanted to just sleep and not wake up again.

By the summer of 2021, I had been suffering alone in silence. I was not able to stay awake more than 6 hours at a time, I would force myself to attend the video lectures and even there I was not mentally fully there. I could not study at all in my own time and when the exams came up I had done no work. At this point, I would wake to sleep and hate myself 24h of a day. I barely left my bed and I felt nothing. I was a shell of my normal self. I quit med school and returned home.

In the past 3 months, I have been working on myself. I have slowly got back to waking up at a normal time. I plan to do things in my day, I am actively looking for a job, I am trying to learn new skills and significantly reduced drinking to almost zero.

tl;dr

And finally… to what I am here to post about. I am finally back to doing clean keto (6 days or so) with food tracking (3days) and somewhat frequent gym (1 month around 2-4 times a week lifting weights. I am slowly shifting my eating patterns to 2 meals a day in an IF window of (16:8).

I want to be held accountable.

I want people to talk to me and express their passion for this lifestyle and share with me their achievements and for them to ask about mine too. I want to walk this path with friends and not be alone anymore.

[29/ M/ 6’2”]

[(lbs) GW:308 SW:360 (Aug ‘21) CW:332 (Feb ‘22) LW:28]

[IBS-D] [OMAD] [Ketogenic Diet] [KCKO]