My husband and I just started IF together on Monday. He’s already had an off day. He really needs to lose weight due to blood pressure issues, but can’t seem to stick to anything. He has tried so many things in the past. I want to be supportive and help him through it, but when I say you messed up that’s ok you can keep working at it, he just gives up for the day. That often snowballs into longer periods of time.
What are your suggestions for being supportive when your spouse or SO is having a tough time?
(Food addiction may not be the correct term, but it was a concise way to get my point across).
Every day is four 6-hour blocks. Tripping up may ruin a quarter of the day, but doesn’t need to ruin the whole day. Sleep doesn’t provide magic in resetting a new attempt, time continues. Win the quarters, not the day, until the day becomes achievable.
I struggled with a similar issue of “whelp I messed up better just take a cheat day” which would become a weekend, which would become getting restarted at some day in the future. And ultimately would become me failing my first two real attempts at losing weight.
For me, it was a motivational and goal issue. I would be good for a while even make some great progress, but inevitably I would want that food more than I wanted to change. My solution was to make my process about positive improvement. Wanting to lose weight just wasn’t enough because it was mostly rooted in negativity about myself. But making positive goals to improve myself helped me actually want to engage with the whole process, not just the outcome.
You can’t do it for him.He needs to be the one to want the change.
IF is not the only way to lose weight. Is he open to other methods, like CICO, keto, paleo, vegan, low carb?
There is not a one size fits all solution.
We are all suffering mentally from the pandemic & late stage capitalism. Food addiction is a coping mechanism for depression, anxiety, fear, and loneliness.
Focus on the mental health aspects and the food management becomes easier.
Also do some small behavioral changes. Even 20 minutes of walking in the daytime can have a profound effect. Go on a walk before or after meals. Make fun activities NOT food centered.
If you can see a nutritionist and a shrink for extra support.
Food addiction is a real SOB. The types of foods that do that to us to are always the high carb/sugar variety. Ie. The thing that gets us fat and obese the fastest
Getting started can also be the hardest when it comes to fasting. Cravings and hunger can peak way more as withdrawals kick in.
I ended up doing a 72 hour fast before transitioning to IF recently. It was needed as the hunger pangs at night just kept easily winning and making me break a fast. It helped tremendously, it can’t be just mental fortitude. I see those unhealthy snacks now and have zero cravings for them.
72 hour water fast at that point wasn’t easy but I was motivated to do it accomplish it. So it can’t be something that you just mention to him to try, he has to be willing to give it his all.
Those popular fasting related lectures on YT we’re a great watch as I did the extended fast. Kept the will strong as the hunger pangs periodically reared it’s head.
You sound like you are committed to being supportive. What is your husbands goal? If he has a goal - to lose weight, to get more control, to feel better - whatever it is, you can build on it. But you probably can’t be his only source of support. I’d look for others to help - is there a program your insurance will help cover? Do you have access to a counselor?
There are many different ways to do IF. 12/12, 16/8, 18/6, day on/ day off, I dint do low carb, I just try to eat during my window. Are there certain times he is hungrier than other times. Adjust the times to fit that might help. I do measure out my food ( portion control) but don’t limit the foods I eat. I usually do one protein, one complex carb, one green veggie. No sugar since I’m a diabetic If i get hungry in the middle of my eating window, ill eat some low glycemic fruit or nuts ( almonds etc). That seems to curb my appetite.
I do think you should let him do what he wants. If you come across as forcing him it would do more harm than good. When he doesn’t stick to his diet it ignore (not pointedly) the bad behavior but when he does stick to it smile and compliment him.
I know if I break my fast I’m toast. Once food hits my lips I’m eating until I’m not hungry. Luckily my stomach has shrank during this process and I can’t completely stuff my face. But still, getting back on the horse immediately is difficult.
As others have said, this needs to be something your husband wants to do. All the talking and facts and advise in the world cannot fill up his cup enough to be motivated. He has to find it within himself.
You are going to have a bad time if you are trying to force him to be motivated. He needs to want to change himself and make it a priority, and it’s highly unlikely you will be successful in changing him directly, the thing you’re mostly likely to do is make him resent you. If seeing your action doesnt rub off on him, him seeing a therapist or maybe a coach / trainer could be a good spark for him. I will say, everyday IF doesnt work for me, I like the 2 day a week approach (i do 2 x 36 hour fasts, but started with 2 x 500 cal days).
I’m prone to migraines when I don’t eat early enough or don’t eat enough certain types of foods. Because of this, I resisted IF for a very long time. When I finally decided I had to give it a try, I started very slowly.
One thing I learned right off the bat is that the first couple weeks or so are the hardest. I’ve always only targeted 16:8 fasts with a 10am to 6pm window, although now I try to start later and finish earlier whenever possible to often hit as much as a 20 hour fast at least a couple of days a week. I couldn’t do that early on, though.
Maybe he can start with a slightly longer eating window and slowly decrease it. Also, different people have cravings at different times. It’s easier for me to nit eat later in the day, so I’ll often have a morning snack with a larger midday meal and stop for the day. My husband is the opposite. He’s able to not eat all day and likes his biggest meal at the end of the day. Lucky for me, he’s super accommodating and will eat a midday meal with me and have a snack at the end of his eating window.
Another thing I did early on that worked very well for me is allowing myself a cup of broth or unsweetened tea whenever I felt I had to eat. Sometimes it’s more about habits than actually being hungry. Even drinking some water (especially carbonated) often helps. Make exceptions for a few very specific items for when he feels he needs it. Of course, limit portions and number of times allowed. That way, it’s still part of the plan and not cheating. Make this as sustainable as possible and keep adjusting as you go.
Another thing is it’s ok to feel a little hungry every so often, especially if you know you’re eating enough good food. Eventually a lot of the hunger feelings subside, food becomes less of the focus, and you naturally start to eat less. This is all coming from someone who will never not love eating! I actually love it more now, since that voice that was always telling me to choose the more “sensible” option (especially when dining out) is completely gone.
Thank you to all of the people who posted helpful advice. IF was my husband’s idea- to be partners. He’s done keto, medifast, Cico, and I’m sure others. I just want to support him when he wants to lose weight, but then he quits soon after. While I agree with him that losing weight would be a good idea, I have never expected him to lose weight or told him he needs to lose weight. I just want to help him achieve his goals.
I know that he has to do it for himself, but I was just looking for ways to be a support.