I am so hurt. I just need space to think, vent, and support to fast, to Heal.

Trauma has me messed up, triple time. Don’t know really where to turn from here, just wish I could induce amnesia and forget it all. I speak vaguely about trauma because I don’t want to get graphic about what happened.

But what’s important is that it left me deteriorating, in complete mental decay. Been in a depressed rut for so long. Last time I felt alive was visiting my family in another country. Came back, and the only thing plaguing my mind are traumatic memories. I cannot sleep right now and I just needed a space to put my thoughts out.

2 years ago when I felt this dead, around the time the trauma was actively happening, I took a long water fast of 12 days. I felt like I found so much solace in that water fast. That was the only other time I felt half way decent since the trauma threw my life for a nose dive. That, and the trip to my relative’s country felt like a drowning person’s few breaths of air from the surface before getting swallowed by a hurricane. Dramatic, yes, I know.

I just want to feel like myself again. I want mental clarity back. I just want to inflict some type of feeling that isn’t doom or depression, and that’s what fasting did for me 2 years ago.

This agony feels like a brick in my stomach. I just want this to all stop. I want to feel calm again, to heal.

I am also seeking professional help this week, because i know that I can no longer neglect this trauma and my mental health. I plan to start a 14, or possibly even 21 day water fast, in tangent with an intensive outpatient program for trauma. Hopefully I’ll phase out those memories and just, honestly, heal for good this time.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to anyone that took the time to read this.